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On Anger 7/20/11
Thoughts on anger, etc.
Firstly, “being angry” is impossible since anger is not a beingness but a feeling.
We are in the habit of saying “I am angry” when we are our Self is feeling angry. I think
that was one point the Teachers were trying to get across to us. So often we characterize
ourselves as being our feelings forgetting that “I am” me, not I am what I feel.
Therefore, “stop being angry” is not a proper solution.
Maybe stop FEELING anger, but I’m with Betty -- Yah-but.
Anger does have it usefulness for it may make one aware of a situation which
must be changed. So how does one stop feeling anger? There are several ways. The first
one is to fully understand why you feel angry. Are you justified in so feeling? Well,
maybe we need to back up and figure out what sponsors our anger in the first place.
So at a time when you are not angry, try to examine what the matters are that
anger you. Some (and maybe most) anger stems from expectations not being met. So,
let’s look at righteous anger.
Righteous anger is OK to feel when a contract is breached. Remember that the
Teachers made it clear that a contract must be stated by all parties concerned and all
requirements mutually agreed upon or it is not a true contract. We often feel anger when
our contractual partner does not meet our expectations, forgetting that the one not
meeting our expectations may not even know what our expectations are.
We live with a lot of assumptions. In marriage, for instance, we are culturally
programmed to expect certain things from an honorable partner. Very often these
expectations are not met simply because each partner enters the marriage without
discussing all the ramifications and expectations on each partner’s behalf.
Sometimes a contract is made between two people who do not fully understand
the limitations or belief systems of the contracting partners. Sometimes contracts are
made, details fully worked out, but one or more of the contractors has no intentions of
fulfilling the obligations of the contract.
If you find yourself already in such a contract, then what do you do about it?
Well, you can discuss it with your partner. That doesn’t mean the partner is going
to change beliefs, ideas or behaviors, and that is what you must find out. Because only
the partner can change him or herself. One cannot change another person.
There are means toward change, also. Negotiation is a viable one. Remember, the
Teachers also said all contracts are re-negotiable.
OK. So that doesn’t work. Informing the partner of consequences as you see them
may be an avenue for the partner to understand the need for change. Ultimatums don’t
work, so often one must pursue some avenue of understanding and change of attitude in
the self. Expectations may need to be changed in the partner who is feeling the anger.
Sometimes compromise is the only solution. So again, negotiation can come into play.
One thing to always remember is that anger is most often re-active, so personally
training oneself not to react with anger is certainly a step in the right direction. No
negotiation or arbitration can be successful if feelings are running too high and logic is
left at the door. A cool head is required to truly resolve even righteous anger.
So what can be done when resolution cannot be found? Arrange for cancellation
of the contract is one option. Keep on feeling angry and battle your way to the end. But
what quality of life does that give you?
So now let’s go back to the source of your feelings. So far we have discussed
personal behavior of partners. But what if one is simply feeling angry because life has not
delivered as expected or as one feels he has the right to expect. This is often the case but
the anger is applied to the partner who is the most available upon whom to relieve one’s
frustrations or anxieties. This is not righteous anger. This is foolish anger because one is
using it as an escape from responsibility.
You will recall that the Teachers clearly told us that we have a major
responsibility in this life as we choose the parents, or have agreed with the “powers that
be” to accept these parents which gives us the character we must live through. Then they
told us we actually create the circumstances of our lives. So if you don’t like the
circumstances of your life, and they are making you feel angry, it is up to you to make the
necessary changes, either in circumstances or attitude. Merely to stop feeling anger is not
the solution. Taking out your frustrations on another is not a solution either. And last but
not least taking out your frustrations on yourself is no solution. How is this evidenced?
Addictions (and remember the Teachers told us of many addictions, not just the ones we
immediately think of such as alcohol or drugs.) Unhealthy lifestyle such a poor diet, lack
of exercise (both physical and mental), self-inflicted pain, and I’m sure you can find
some more to think about.
And one last thought on personal anger. We live under the Law of Dominance
and sometimes one has to exercise that dominance but must do so wisely. The best choice
according to the Teachers is dominance over oneself. But in a contractual situation, after
all evaluations have been taken into consideration, it is sometimes necessary for a partner
to adopt more responsibility in the contract and expect less of the partner depending on
the partner’s limitations, capabilities, belief system and intentions.
There is another aspect to the feeling of anger -- injustice. This would concern
one’s relationship to ethics, morals, cultural behaviors, law and order, etc. And that
should be a topic for dissertation at another time if it is requested by the group.
I hope my thoughts will prove valuable to you as you seek to find answers to your
questions. Blessings and love.
Gloria
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